The Talk

This is a link that I give to new friends and co-workers to explain why they may never know what I look like, and why my camera is never on during meetings.

I suffer from a severe form of body dysmorphia disorder that causes me to have panic attacks in social situations of any kind where I feel that my physical appearance is exposed. Eye contact, perceived attention (people behind me), web cams, videos, pictures, etc. When I perceive someone looking at me — or multiple people — my brain floods with negative thoughts that drown everything else out.

The anxiety is retroactive, which means that if I know that you have seen me recently, I cannot stop thinking about that even if we are only communicating via text or voice. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, I cannot concentrate, and I will likely try to avoid any further contact — indefinitely.

If I don't do that, I will feel anxiety every time we communicate. This scenario creates a bad situation for me, and it is the primary reason that I cannot show you what I look like present-day. If you are reading this, chances are that I like, love, and or depend on you, and I do not want to lose you.

As a result of my condition, I also suffer from agoraphobia and I do not leave my house under any circumstance. I was initially diagnosed around two decades ago because I was required to confirm my condition with a medical professional in order to receive a disability check from the government.

I needed disability because two decades ago, working remotely was not really a thing that you could do yet. The possibility did exist, but the opportunities were few and far between. However, our society has embraced remote work, and I am now thriving, thanks in no small part to people like you who have displayed great compassion and understanding for my situation — especially those I work alongside.

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask me anything that you are curious about because I am very open about all of this. There are stigmas attached to living like I do, mostly because in the past, people with agoraphobia had no outlets to communicate or work, so they would often just psychologically spiral into bleak existences.

I, however, lead a fairly normal and upbeat life online, and I am incredibly approachable. I have become quite adept at living the way that I do, and I actually have several groups of friends that love me. I live the lion's share of my life digitally, and I think that is pretty cool because it is a testament to the rapid technological progress of our species. I'm kind of proud of it! There have always been people like me, but there hasn't always been a way for us to live without fear and acceptance until now.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this! I appreciate your kindness and understanding, and I look forward to showing you how awesome it is to be my friend and/or colleague 😊