The Talk
This is a link that I give to new friends and co-workers to explain why they may never know what I look like, and why my camera is never on during meetings.
I suffer from a severe form of body dysmorphic disorder that causes me to have panic attacks in social situations of any kind where I feel that my physical appearance is exposed. Eye contact, perceived attention (people behind me), web cams, videos, pictures, etc. When I perceive someone looking at me — or multiple people — my brain floods with negative thoughts that drown everything else out.
The anxiety is retroactive, which means that if I know that you have seen me recently, I cannot stop thinking about that even if we are only communicating via text or voice. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, I cannot concentrate, and I will likely try to avoid any further contact — indefinitely.
If I don't do that, I will feel anxiety every time we communicate. This scenario creates a bad situation for me, and it is the primary reason that I cannot show you what I look like present-day. If you are reading this, chances are that I like, love, and or depend on you, and I do not want to lose you.
As a result of my condition, I also suffer from agoraphobia and I do not leave my house under any circumstance. I was initially diagnosed around two decades ago because I was required to confirm my condition with a medical professional in order to receive a disability check from the government.
I needed disability because two decades ago, working remotely was not really a thing that you could do yet. The possibility did exist, but the opportunities were few and far between. However, our society has embraced remote work, and I am now thriving, thanks in no small part to people like you who have displayed great compassion and understanding for my situation — especially those I work alongside.
If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask me anything that you are curious about because I am very open about all of this. There are stigmas attached to living like I do, mostly because in the past, people with agoraphobia had no outlets to communicate or work, so they would often just psychologically spiral into bleak existences.
I, however, lead a fairly normal and upbeat life online, and I am incredibly approachable. I have become quite adept at living the way that I do, and I actually have several groups of friends that love me. I live the lion's share of my life digitally, and I think that is pretty cool because it is a testament to the rapid technological progress of our species. I'm kind of proud of it! There have always been people like me, but there hasn't always been a way for us to live without fear and acceptance until now.
Thank you for taking the time to read through this! I appreciate your kindness and understanding, and I look forward to showing you how awesome it is to be my friend and/or colleague 😊
Frequently Asked Questions
Not really, no. I miss movie theaters sometimes but it's only because I have to duck spoilers until stuff comes out on streaming and I am a cinephile, so missing out on the IMAX experience sucks once or twice a year. Go figure the only place I miss is a dark room.
When I say this life suits me, it's not just me putting a positive spin on things. I don't really have a truly happy memory of any event I attended in the past. Raves, parties, concerts, amusement parks, fairs, carnivals — whatever. I was just kind of there and usually a little uncomfortable to deeply uncomfortable. I was always happiest when I got back home and sat down in front of a computer.
I have been using and loving computers since the late 80's as a little kid. I have been on the Internet since 1995 and for two years before that when I was 12 years old, I was chatting on a BBS. I always felt more comfortable online than I ever did in the physical world. The Internet feels like my home.
If you somehow saw me through a window — because I wouldn't open the door — I would experience severe panic attacks and lose sleep over it. It would make it very difficult for me to continue our relationship, whether personal or professional. Please respect this boundary.
No, it doesn't work like that. My brain is doing gymnastics and it will rifle through an internal index card of possibilities to find the scenario in which the blindfold comes off, or you graze against my face somehow and create a mental image of me. I would be more comfortable than if you weren't blind folded, but I think that it would still cause an anxiety attack.
Nope. The idea that I would have to get out in the event of an emergency is enough to result in negative thought spirals while on the road that escalate to the point of causing anxiety attacks that last for hours. This has happened.
A creepy question, but probably? Whatever is on the other side of that car ride is still likely to be nothing I want any part of, though. If I ever have to move for some reason, this is likely going to be put to the test.
Pretty easily. We play video games together several times per week and we talk every day. I watch movies with three of my friends almost every night. I suspect I have more of a social life than most people my age.
I use delivery apps for most things because I don't want my wife doing all the shopping for me. We also have completely different diets, so it works out. I order food once per week and it's usually the same stuff. I don't really order things outside of what's on my regular weekly grocery list.
I honestly don't know and I hope I never find out. In the event of a fire, I would likely be dealing with dueling survival instincts and I probably wouldn't leave my house until the last possible moment. It's not fun to think about.
This is also a problem. I am working with a therapist to be able to travel in the event of an emergency, but otherwise, there are services that provide healthcare for homebound folks. For example, an EMT traveled to my home to provide me with a COVID-19 vaccine and a nurse practitioner visited one time for another temporary medical issue. Preventative care access is a work in progress.
My wife is a medical professional and regularly works around a lot of sick people and their families.
She has had COVID-19 multiple times and quarantining worked for all but one infection. Luckily it happened after the vaccine was developed. I had a cough and a sore throat for a couple of months but that's as serious as it got. Thankfully the vaccine did its job.
I met her before I stopped leaving my house when I was 19 and we didn't get married until several years after I discovered that being around other people was causing my anxiety and panic attacks. She still loved me when I stopped going places and she has stuck with me. I did make sure that she understood what she was getting into before the big commitment. We got married around 5 years after we met.
Hopefully this never happens and I don't know.
Yes I do. I have been renewing it without a photo update for awhile. I'm not sure how I will handle it when I need to renew the photo, but I will likely have to just grin and bear it because it's a requirement for employment, voting, and several other adult-coded things.